Every person reading this has had painful experiences with a parent. Unfortunately, in modern society, the relationship between parents and their children is often characterized by stress and unmet needs. I often work with individuals who say, “I had a great childhood, loving parents, an ideal situation.” Usually, after I ask a few questions, it becomes clear that this story is not complete. While they may have had loving parents, it is almost always far from an ideal situation.
In our current society, it may be impossible to raise children without traumatizing them. The stress of economic hardship alone makes parenting a secondary priority to paying bills. Add the complexity of intergenerational trauma—trauma passed down from one generation to the next—and we can quickly see how easy it is to perpetuate cycles of pain.
The Needs of the Developing Child
Children have specific needs: food, water, warmth, and shelter are essential, but developing children also require attachment to an attuned, emotionally available adult—ideally their parents. Even well-meaning, loving parents can find themselves unable to meet this need due to life’s stressors. After a long day at work, burdened by deadlines, office politics, and financial worries, it can be challenging to be present with one’s child—to truly see and accept them as they are. Additionally, many parents return to work shortly after giving birth, further complicating their ability to provide consistent emotional availability.
Children also need to be accepted without conditions—to know they are loved and valued simply for existing, not for meeting certain expectations. When parents are stressed or emotionally unavailable, the child may internalize messages of unworthiness, believing they must earn love and belonging. Even parenting practices promoted by “experts,” such as letting a baby “cry it out,” can inadvertently communicate to the child that their needs don’t matter.
Patterns of Pain and Intergenerational Trauma
Consider a family where a parent grew up in a home marked by constant criticism and high expectations. This parent, now raising their own child, deeply loves them but struggles to avoid imposing similar patterns on their children. Despite their best efforts, they may push the child to excel, fearing failure will lead to rejection or hardship. The child internalizes the message that their worth depends on their achievements, creating a cycle of anxiety and self-doubt.
This type of dynamic highlights how patterns of pain can be unconsciously handed down. Parents who have not addressed their own trauma may unintentionally pass it on to their children, even when their intentions are rooted in love.
When parents carry unresolved pain and trauma from their own upbringing, rooted in unmet needs, they oftentimes unconsciously expect their children to fulfill those unmet needs. This creates a sort of role reversal, where the child is expected to care for the parent.
Regardless of the pattern—whether it involves expecting your child to behave or perform in a specific way, such as suppressing their emotions, expression, or authenticity, expecting your child to take care of you, or patterns of abuse and conflict dominating the relationship—both parents and children will adapt to these dynamics. This adaptation might manifest as a child distancing themselves from their parents. However it appears, the root cause of these adaptations is always the underlying pain. To heal a ruptured relationship or strengthen a weakened connection, we must begin by addressing the patterns of pain that exist within the relationship.
Breaking the Cycle
What can we do to work with these patterns?
Recognize the Patterns: Begin by identifying the patterns of pain within yourself. Awareness is the prerequisite for making choices. For example, if you find yourself connecting through conflict because fighting was a primary mode of engagement in your family, recognize your use of conflict to meet the underlying need for connection.
Accept Reality: Accept that you are in pain and that, unconsciously, you may have passed that pain onto your children. Denying this reality will only continue the cycle. As paradoxical as it sounds, change begins with accepting things as they are.
Understand the Origins: Explore where these patterns originated, how they manifest in the present, and the needs they aim to fulfill. Often, these needs are fundamental ones we had as children: to be accepted as we are and to have secure attachments to mature, regulated caregivers.
Become the Parent You Needed: If your caregivers were not attuned, safe, or nurturing, it’s essential to become that presence for yourself. Learning to meet your own emotional needs can help you break the cycle and model healthier behaviors for the next generation.
Healing Ruptured Relationships
If you have experienced ruptures in your relationships with your parents or children, it is possible to heal. Trauma is a wound, and wounds can heal under the right circumstances. Life has an innate wisdom and tendency toward repair.
Start by examining your own patterns. If you find blame in your relationships, work on developing accountability and responsibility. For instance, instead of saying, “I’ve been hurt, and it’s your fault,” look for the unmet needs underlying your feelings and beliefs. Often, these needs include being seen, validated, or accepted. Learn to nurture these needs within yourself rather than seeking fulfillment solely from others.
If you’re ready to repair a relationship, consider the following steps:
Listen: Create space for the other person to express their pain and anger. Accept and validate their feelings without defensiveness.
Take Accountability: Acknowledge your role in the dynamic and validate how your actions may have contributed to their pain.
Seek Connection, Not Resolution: Approach the relationship with the intention of building connection, not fixing or seeking something from the other person. This shift in perspective can foster mutual understanding and openness.
A Path Forward
Breaking the cycle of intergenerational trauma is challenging but profoundly rewarding. By recognizing and addressing our patterns, accepting our reality, and nurturing our unmet needs, we can create a new legacy of connection, compassion, and healing for ourselves and future generations.
Remember, just because things have been a certain way doesn’t mean they must stay that way. If you’re unhappy with the way your life has been, take even the smallest steps toward creating something new.
Instead of dwelling on blame or victimhood, focus on cultivating choice, agency, autonomy, and liberation from old patterns. Healing takes effort and patience, but it’s equally important to prioritize your own well-being.
If you’re working to heal the pain of old patterns or relationships, but the other people involved are unwilling to change or continue perpetuating those patterns, remind yourself to care for your own emotional health. Protecting your growth and peace is not only valid—it’s essential.
Regardless of the state of your relationship, one of the most powerful practices you can develop is building understanding and compassion—for yourself and for your parents. The pain you carry is often the same pain your parents or even your children may carry. Cultivating compassion and understanding for yourself is the foundation for extending these to others.
When we blame, criticize, or judge someone else for acting in ways similar to our own, we are, in essence, blaming, criticizing, and judging ourselves. Even if a relationship is too dysfunctional or toxic to repair, practicing understanding and compassion doesn’t mean sacrificing boundaries. You can hold yourself and others accountable while maintaining emotional and physical well-being.