Looking back, I can trace my Crohn’s symptoms to early childhood. However, the condition became undeniably pronounced by the end of 2016.
Early Signs and Navigating Stress
In February 2016, I had just completed an eight-month cross-country bike trip. For those months, I slept outside, spent my days with my dogs and two close friends, and navigated significant challenges. Despite the hardships, I was deeply engaged with life. Afterwards, I moved to Portland and had just enough money for my first month’s rent. The treadmill of financial stress began moving very quickly.
I took a high-stress stopgap job while applying for positions in the psychology field. After submitting 198 applications to Oregon Health & Science University, I finally landed a $12-per-hour position. The workplace was a cramped 8’x8’ closet shared with three other people and the environment was toxic. Emotionally, I barely managed to survive those months.
I lasted in that job for only three months. After another 200 applications, I secured a new position with a 50% pay increase. While still stressful, I began preparing for the GRE to reapply to graduate school. Three days before the test, I noticed a lump on my spine. Soon after, my joints swelled, walking required a cane, eating became nearly impossible, and bowel movements were excruciating. I'll spare the details.
A Diagnosis and a Turning Point
After three months of scans, long waits, and dismissive doctors—ironically at the hospital where I worked—I finally received a diagnosis of Crohn’s disease. A compassionate doctor recommended immediate biological intervention and preparation for surgery. I respectfully declined and, instead, bought a plane ticket to Peru leaving in five days.
In Peru, I stayed deep in the jungle, hours from the nearest town. While reading When the Body Says No by Gabor Maté I experienced a profound realization during a ceremony. The pain in my gut was tied to the emotional pain from my childhood—a constant presence in my daily life. The teaching was clear: healing the painful past could alleviate the present symptoms. While this insight was life-changing, the process of learning and integrating it spanned the next four years. During that time, I relied on biological medications to manage symptoms.
The Power of Inner Work
Once I saw the root of my pain, I could no longer avoid it. Facing it head-on was terrifying, but oftentimes each confrontation made it feel smaller and less daunting until it was no longer a conflict. I realized that my Crohn’s symptoms weren’t just tied to past pain but also to the coping patterns I had developed as adaptations in response to stress and pain. These patterns included:
Sacrificing myself to make others happy.
Suppressing expression, boundaries, play, and emotions to maintain relationships.
Distracting myself to avoid my inner world.
I saw that my relationship with myself mirrored how I had been treated as a child—harsh, critical, judgmental, and conditional. By taking an honest look at these patterns I began to build the ability to change them.
Building a Healthy Relationship with Myself
Over time, I cultivated a healthy and functional relationship with myself. This involved:
Awareness: Paying close attention to my thoughts, beliefs, perceptions, and emotions rather than distracting myself from them.
Acceptance: Valuing and accepting my emotions, even when it was scary and challenging.
Self-reflection: Getting curious about where these thoughts, beliefs, perceptions and emotions originated. Trying to figure out how long I’ve felt this way, and under what conditions did these beliefs, perceptions, and emotions develop. Of course, then asking what might these experiences be trying to achieve for me.
Self Nurturing: Looking deeply at what unmet needs were at the foundation of my adaptations and patterns, and finding ways to meet those needs in healthy constructive ways.
Authenticity: Building a livelihood that nourished my health and well-being. I prioritized activities and relationships that supported me and I taught myself to say no to those that didn’t.
This practice took about five years to establish. After two years of consistent effort, I became symptom-free. Trusting my intuition, I decided to stop my biological treatments despite my doctors’ warnings. It’s now been three years since I last took medication for Crohn’s disease.
Healing and Moving Forward
My eight-year journey taught me invaluable lessons about choosing authenticity, agency, and liberating myself from the adaptive patterns of past pain. Sure, there are times when symptoms reemerge. When this happens, I simply try to see the symptoms for what they are, a sign from my body that something is out of balance. Typically this involves some part of myself that is being ignored or suppressed. Once I can identify what I am doing that might be causing me harm, and I make adjustments, the symptoms resolve themselves.
This is what I help others navigate on their paths. When clients are dedicated to understanding their suffering and committed to change, they often achieve in weeks what took me years. I’m profoundly grateful for my healing process, as it not only transformed my life but also refined a method I can share with others.
If you’re ready to explore a new path to healing, know that it’s possible to turn inward, face the pain, and emerge transformed.
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