Humans are unique in that we often hold onto pain from the past. The pain from the past is always showing up in the present.
A squirrel, on the other hand, chased by a dog can return to eating a nut within seconds, as if nothing happened. But if someone chases me, yells at me, or threatens me, I’m likely to feel the fear, anger, or sadness from that moment for weeks or even months.
Why do humans hold onto emotions from past experiences for so long?
Why We Hold On
The answer lies in how we learn to process emotions. When we’re children, our emotional patterns are shaped by our environment. If our parents are mature, emotionally regulated adults who can identify, process, and soothe emotions, we’re likely to develop those same skills.
But if our parents are emotionally undeveloped, avoiding or suppressing their feelings or expressing them through dysfunctional outbursts, we absorb those patterns instead. We learn that emotions are something to avoid, suppress, or fear.
For many adults, this childhood conditioning leads to an unhealthy relationship with emotions. We may see them as bad, something to get rid of. Perhaps we were punished or ignored when we expressed feelings, so we learned to suppress them. But suppressed emotions don’t disappear—they linger in the body, creating physical tension and chronic stress.
The Cost of Suppression
When we avoid or suppress emotions, the physiological responses linked to those emotions—a racing heart, muscle tension, a flush of heat—don’t resolve. These responses accumulate, leaving us stuck in a cycle of fight-or-flight sensations that can persist for years.
Breaking free of this cycle requires us to develop a new relationship with our emotions, one based on acceptance, curiosity, and care.
Steps to Let Go
1. Recognize and Name Emotions
The first step is learning to notice and identify your feelings. Ask yourself: Am I angry, scared, sad, ashamed, or happy right now? Once you identify the emotion, go deeper: What do I believe about myself because of this feeling? For instance, Do I think I’m a bad person for feeling angry? Am I afraid I’ll be abandoned because I’m scared?
2. Accept What You Feel
If you’ve spent years suppressing emotions, accepting them can feel unnatural at first. But it’s a crucial step. Instead of fighting or ignoring your feelings, try sitting with them. Rather than fighting the emotion, let’s try to accept that it is here and see if we can learn from it. Acceptance creates the space needed to work through emotions without letting them control your perceptions or behaviors.
3. Get Curious About Your Emotions
Once you’ve accepted an emotion, begin exploring it. Ask yourself:
How long have I been feeling this way?
Where do I feel this in my body?
What does the sensation feel like?
Under what conditions did this feeling originate?
What do I usually do with this feeling & what is my relationship with it?
What did I need when I first felt this emotion?
This curiosity helps uncover the roots of your feelings and their physical manifestations, opening the door to healing.
4. Nurture Yourself
Healing involves giving yourself what you needed but didn’t receive in the past. For example, if fear makes you long for validation and reassurance, practice offering these to yourself. Speak kindly to yourself, affirm your worth, and stay present as you move through challenging emotions. The relationship and boundaries you have with yourself are a mirror for how others will treat you, and how you’ll treat others.
When you notice an emotion, a belief about yourself, a perception of the world you live in, you’ll begin finding yourself at a junction of choice. You can choose to follow the same patterns you’ve followed up to this point, or you can choose something new.
Moving Forward
Letting go of the past isn’t about erasing it, it’s not about dwelling on it. It’s about changing your relationship with the past, and learning to carry it with kindness and care. This will allow you to cultivate agency in how the past shows up and affects you in the present. By embracing our emotions and nurturing ourselves, we can break free from old patterns and move forward with greater freedom and peace.
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